


boyfriends, boxes and bad coffee (the one where baz and agatha are trans)

by catrastiel



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Gen, Minor Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Nonbinary Baz Pitch, Nonbinary Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Penelope Bunce & Agatha Wellbelove Friendship, Post-Book 1: Carry On, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, Simon Snow & Agatha Wellbelove Friendship, They/Them Pronouns for Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Trans Agatha Wellbelove, Trans Sheppard, Trans Woman Agatha, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Agatha Wellbelove Friendship, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow, also no beta we die like men, baz uses he/they ok, blink and you miss it but it's there i swear, carry on and wayward son where everything is the same exept agatha is trans, cis people suck at it, cuz we need more trans people writing about our own experiences, i'm just a trans author writing trans characters, sheppard uses he/they/ze cuz i say so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:33:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28652805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catrastiel/pseuds/catrastiel
Summary: "So," she starts, looking at me, "Is Simon alright?""Snow's perfectly fine. He's not the reason I wanted us to meet today.""Then why-""How did you know you were trans?"The one where Baz has a gender crisis and turns to Agatha for help
Relationships: Penelope Bunce & Agatha Wellbelove, Simon Snow & Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 11
Kudos: 70





	boyfriends, boxes and bad coffee (the one where baz and agatha are trans)

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't initially supposed to be posted but we need more trans fics in this fandom so.....
> 
> comments are more than welcome ^^

#####  **Baz**

This is a stupid idea. It's not even an idea really, it's just something that I need to do, if for nothing else but my sanity. Snow and Penelope are gone for the day ( Simon told me why last night, but I was too distracted counting the freckles on his face to pay it any mind). I'm glad for it, really. I don't think I could handle them right now. I don't think I can handle anything right now.

I called Wellbelove this morning. She's back in Britain for the duration of the holidays and in a fit of panic and weakness, I invited her to the apartment today. (I'm pretty sure the only reason she agreed was because she thought something happened to Simon. I don't blame her for it. The two of us don't talk unless Snow is in danger...or when he forces me to join their weekly video chats.)

I'm sitting on Simon's and Bunce's couch repeating the speech I made in my head this morning when someone knocks at the door. Not someone...Wellbelove. I get up to answer, but my feet are frozen in place. For a second I think of just staying there waiting for her to leave, but then I think how this is the kind of stupid plan Snow would have and I decide it's best to face the consequences of my stupidity.

"Wellbelove," I say as I open the door, mentioning for her to enter.

"Basil," she gets inside and hands me her cloak to hang it. ( My hands are shaking. I try to ignore it)

#####  **Agatha**

I don't know why I came. 

This is very awkward. He takes my coat and his hands are shaking. I look at his face and I can see he's trying to look composed but his eyes are open, almost scared. Maybe I was right this morning and something really happened to Simon. It took me a while to get used to the idea of Baz not wanting to hurt Simon, but now I can't believe I ever thought he would. (He's too in love with him for that. Which is another thing that took me long to get used too.)

"Tea?" He asks, gesturing for me to sit on the couch.

I smile. "Coffee."

His mouth twitches in distaste. "Ah yes," he turns his back on me going into the kitchen. "The American lifestyle." I ignore his comment (I usually do. I think he's still mad I ran away and left Simon, but I had my own life to figure out and everything turned out well in the end anyway.)

#####  **Baz**

When I turn to the living room, I hand Wellbelove her coffee and take a seat on the chair next to the couch, placing my cup of tea on the table. 

"So," she starts, looking at me, "Is Simon alright?"

"Snow's perfectly fine. He's not the reason I wanted us to meet today."

"Then why-"

"How did you know you were trans?"

#####  **Agatha**

_Oh._

#####  **Baz**

I feel like slapping myself, but that would make me look even more crazy than I'm sure I already do. I'm in luck I didn't drink any blood today or I'm afraid I would have been blushing as well.  
I had a plan! A speech! Crowley, why did I not stick to it? Surely I must have spent too much time with Snow and my brain to mouth filter broke.( If this is how it feels all the time next time he'll say something utterly stupid, I might just give him a break from it.)

#####  **Agatha**

I've never seen Baz look like this. Usually his face is like a statue, his expression unreadable, every raise of his eyebrow perfectly calculated, but now he refuses to look into my eyes, clenching his fists in the fabric of his jeans, looking more surprised than I am.

I'm not judging him though. It takes a lot of courage to admit something like this (even though he didn't really say it) and I'm sure the fact that _I'm_ the only person he thinks he can talk to about this isn't making it any easier.

I stop my thoughts...should I even be using _he_?

#####  **Baz**

She looks at me and for a second I think she'll just get up and leave. But then she smiles in my direction and it's something I've never received from Wellbelove before ( She's either understanding or pitiful and I don't know which one I ought to dislike more.)

"Oh, I don't know," she says ( and isn't that the most useless answer she could have given), "I guess I sort of always knew. I never felt like a boy when I was little, never even considered the thought. Being a girl was what I always knew, and my parents have always been awfully supportive of me." She stops a little, smiling. "When I got to Watford, the Crucible recognised me as a girl instantly and I think that was the moment I knew for sure. My dad got me puberty blockers a few years later, as you know, and I started estrogen after I left to California."

I nod my head. It sounds so simple put like that but…

"How did _you_ know, Basil?" She asks like it's the most simple question in the world. She takes a sip of her coffee, frowning a little before looking at the cup and putting it away ( I didn't poison it, I just don't know how she takes it and never bothered to ask.)

“I...” I don’t know what to say. I invited Wellbelove here in hopes of her giving me some sort of 10 question checklist that would answer everything. I didn’t invite her here to discuss our childhoods. “I’m not a woman, that I know for sure. But…” I take a sip of my tea. A long sip.

“But?” She persists, looking at her coffee but deciding better than to drink from it again.

“But I don’t think I’m much of a man either.” I think I might whisper, which is ridiculous, but so is standing in the middle of your dragon boyfriend and his best friend’s apartment discussing your gender crisis with the girl you were jealous of for the better part of your school life.

“Ok.”

I want to strangle her. “Ok? Is that all you have to say?”

“What would you want me to say?”

“Something useful for a change.”

I grimace. Maybe I should stop insulting her when trying to get her to help me. She purses her lips but ignores my comment. (She does that a lot.)

“I can’t tell you who you are, Basil. You have to figure that out yourself.”

“But that’s the problem, is it not? _I don’t know_! I didn’t have the bloody Crucible confirming something that I always knew about myself deep, deep down. I’ve always just been in the same box my entire life. And I never felt like I fit much anyway, but what other option is there?” I am embarrassing myself, I know. But I’ve already humiliated myself when I called her this morning, so why not just drive it home?

She says nothing for a while. Then she takes a sip of her coffee, distracted, remembering too late she doesn’t like it. ( Her fault, really. I offered her tea, not coffee.) “Have you talked with Simon about how you feel?”

I scoff. “No. Why should I?”

She looks at me the same way she looks at Snow sometimes. Like I’m the biggest idiot this planet has ever seen. “Because...he’s your boyfriend?” Her nose scrunches up when she says _boyfriend_. I don’t even think she realizes she did it. “I’d say that’s the kinda stuff you would want to talk with him about."

“Well, it’s not.” I really don’t want to talk with Snow about this. Our relationship just got back on track. I don’t need myself to ruin it.

She studies me for a while, carefully. I regret ever calling her in the first place. I should have known she would not be of any help.

“Basil,” she starts, hesitant, “are you afraid of Simon?”

I choke on my tea. I don’t know if I want to strangle the bloody bint for being able to read me so well, or myself for being so easy to read. (It’s Snow’s fault. Aunt Fiona told me he turned me soft two weeks ago when we looked for Christmas presents, and it took me half an hour to decide what plushie Snow would like the most. I settled on a dragon. He loved it.)

When I don’t say anything, she laughs. It’s the same kind of obnoxious laugh Snow has when watching bad comedies on Bunce’s TV. I find it much more endearing on him, though.

“I’m glad you find my suffering amusing, Wellbelove.”

She stops laughing and looks at me like I’m Snow...again. But there’s kindness in her eyes as well. It infuriates me. “You’re an idiot.”

I raise my chin, prepared to defend myself. “I beg to-”

“Let me finish.” She takes the cup of coffee from the table, but doesn’t take a sip, just plays with it in her hands. “If Simon doesn’t break up with you over _eating rats_ , he’s not going to break up with you over having a gender crisis.”

( I don’t tell her I don’t drink rats anymore. Penelope talked with a butcher and now my diet comprises solely of pig blood.)

“Honestly Basil, he’s so in love with you it’s embarrassing. Plus,” she says counting on her fingers all the reasons Snow wouldn't just throw me out, “Did you forget he dated me? A trans woman?”

I grimace. As if…

“Your situation was different.”

Her eyebrows shoot up to her forehead. “How so?”

“Well, you know what you are, do you not?”

“I can’t believe you actually think Simon would break up with you over being _confused_.”

“I can’t exactly be his boyfriend, if the _boy _part doesn’t fit.”__

__Wellbelove ignores me. “Simon is the definition of the word confused! Did you think about breaking up with him when he was figuring out his sexuality?”_ _

__“No,but-”_ _

__“No buts!” She says, and her voice is so loud it actually shocks me. “It’s the exact same thing.” She huffs, talking more to herself than to me. “Sometimes I wonder how the two of you even got together.”_ _

__She puts her coffee back on the table. “Just talk with him.” I want to say something else, but she’s already at it. “Basil, have you ever heard of the term nonbinary?”_ _

__I haven’t. But I’m not going to tell her that. Luckily, she doesn’t need my response to keep going. “You talked about boxes earlier and the Anathema is pretty binary that way, but maybe you don’t...fit into any boxes?”_ _

__I raise my eyebrow. “Go on.”_ _

__She frowns at me. ( If she keeps doing that, she’ll get wrinkles.) “Nonbinary simply means no binary. No boxes. Gender is men and women, as you know, but then there’s also everything in between and beyond that, both or neither at the same time.”_ _

__Nonbinary. I like that. I feel the word in my head, rolling it around, thinking about it as if it’s me. But then…_ _

__“And because I can already feel what you’re about to ask, yes, you can be gay and nonbinary. Nonbinary is what you make of it, it doesn’t have criteria. It’s not just one thing. Everyone has a different way of not fitting into boxes.”_ _

__I smirk.“So it’s like I’m a god.”_ _

__“Don’t push it,” she says, but she looks less annoyed than she should have been. And the fact that she’s _not_ annoyed is supposed to upset me more than it does. _ _

__I clear my throat. “ You sure know a lot about this,” I flap my hand around, “stuff.”_ _

__“There’s an LGBT club of sorts at my college. I go to their meetings sometimes. Learned a lot. I can send you some book recommendations if you want to read more about it ”_ _

__“Right. Thanks.” I know she probably just helped me by giving me everything I needed to know on a silver platter, but making pleasant chat with Agatha Wellbelove was never one of my talents._ _

__After a minute, spent in what I can only describe as the most awkward silence known to mages, Wellbelove speaks again._ _

__“Do you still use he/him?”_ _

__I wasn’t expecting that. “Hm?” (There I go again, embarrassing myself.)_ _

__“Pronouns. Do you still use he/him? Or would you like something else?”_ _

__“I don’t mind he/him but they/them isn’t...bad either.”( I’ve been thinking about using they/them ever since I saw Bunce use them for Sheppard. I could have asked them about all of this, but I don’t know how much of a civilised conversation he can have before getting carried away and talking about some nine eyed demon frog ze met on a mountain. I don't know what Bunce sees in him.)_ _

__Wellbelove just looks at me and smiles._ _

__

#####  __**Agatha**__

#####  __

__We talk little after that (mostly about Simon) but it’s enough to keep us busy for fifteen more minutes when Simon bursts into the apartment looking exhausted, Penny and Sheppard close after. All three of them stop by the door when they see me and Baz sitting together (I guess he didn’t tell them about calling me.)_ _

__Penny and Simon hug me and when they ask why I’m here Basil makes this story about me wanting to make them a surprise visit and not catching them home. I lock eyes with him, raising my eyebrows in question, but he just shrugs ( probably picked that up from Simon.)_ _

__Penny tells me she and Simon went to pick Sheppard up from the airport and then had complications. (Half of his luggage is full of cursed items, including some sort of magic crown that works like a magnet for goblins. Apparently they’re moving here. Not the goblins. Sheppard.)_ _

__When Penny leads me to the door and hands me my cloak an hour later, I can’t help but sneak one last look in Baz’s direction. I raise an eyebrow, trying to imitate him, and they just snort and mouth something very similar to the word “soon”._ _

__Next week when I’m already back in California and Simon calls me for our weekly video chat, I can hear Penny shout, “Simon, tell your bloody partner to stop putting their name on the shopping list! He doesn't even live here, I'm not buying them hair products!”_ _

__I smile. I can’t help it. I’m happy for them._ _


End file.
